Waiting for the shoe to drop

I had a fabulous childhood...seriously, not a care in the world.  Pool in the backyard, vacations, private school, my mom home all day, home cooked meals, I was living the dream.  And then 1995-1996 happened.  That year both of my dad's parents died and several other things that rocked our family to its core.  Everything was different after that. 

And since that time, I have always been waiting for the other shoe to drop.  That year showed me that no one's life is perfect and crappy things happy to everyone, you just have to wait for it.  It's a pretty sobering thought when you put it out there like that, but it's true. 

So when I met Skip, the guy I knew I wanted to marry, my soul mate, at twenty years old, I figured it was too good to be true.  I cried and prayed every day of his deployment, so afraid I would never get to live my fairy tale with him. 

But for some reason I did...he came home, we got married, and we've been married for seven years now.

When I got pregnant with Emmy, I thought the same thing...there's no way I'm lucky enough to have this child, healthy and safe.  But I did!  And again with Charlie!   I could not believe how blessed I was.

However, I have had a tiny nagging voice in my head every since Charlie was born, telling me that I can't be that lucky.  I mean really, who gets everything {not really everything...my bank account could be a lot larger, but the big stuff} they wanted in life?  So since June 15, 2011 I have been scared...waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Maybe I could be that lucky, I thought, maybe since my husband works in a dangerous job that bought us some 'luck credit'....we should get some more since he's hardly ever home on holidays...when things like my car breaking or a tree limb falling in the yard, I figured lots of little things like that might save us from major things happening.  And not only did I pray to God every night, asking him to keep us all safe, but I also thanked him for every day I had with my family, since it was one more than I deserved.

Then Braddock got sick and died....and the other shoe dropped.  What I had been worried about, what I had been scared of, happened.  My world changed.  Now don't get me wrong, I still thank God every night that Skip and my girls are safe and healthy.  My world would just end if something happened to one of them.

But my world has been forever changed with the death of my sweet boy.  I will never be quite as happy as I was from July 15, 2011-July 30, 2012.  There will always be a little something missing in our home, in my heart.  And sadly, this just solidified my previous worries.  For the rest of my life, any time I'm really happy, I'll just be waiting for the other shoe to drop.