Monday, February 13

It's Not Just Morning Sickness...

Sorry to fool you with the title, but no I am not pregnant.  I never will be again in fact, and this post goes into detail as to why.  I'm going to be taking a little break from social media for a while, blogging included.  Maybe I'll be gone a week, maybe more.  But there is a lot going on over here right now, and I really need a break from all the Twitter drama.  I do have a giveaway I'll be posting later that will be running all week, so I will be staying on top of that.  Otherwise I'll see you all when I get back...

Last night when I was on Twitter, Diana linked on her latest blog post, "Done".  I immediately clicked over to check it out, and by the end I was sobbing.  For the first time I felt like all the emotions I felt while pregnant were so eloquently put into words by someone else. 

Growing up, I always thought I'd love being pregnant.  The belly, the attention, and sweet little kicks, I wanted it all.  But what I got was hyperemesis, a really severe case of morning sickness.  With Little M it lasted 20 weeks {which seems like nothing to me now} and with Baby C it lasted every single day of my pregnancy.  The only times I wasn't huddled around the toilet, literally unable to stop throwing up, was when I took the maximum amount of Zofran allowed...8mg 3x a day.  And even then the nausea never went away.  24/7 for 40 weeks I was nauseous.  The medicine gave me headaches, other stomach problems, and made me even more tired than pregnancy should.  Healthy foods?  Made my nausea worse, as did not eating a little something all day long.  So thankfully I was able to put on the weight my sweet babes needed to be healthy. 

I thought it was tough when I was still teaching while pregnant with Little M, but it was nothing compared to the pregnancy with Baby C.  Having another child to take care of made everything so much more difficult.  My pregnancy really took a toll on my family.  Skip didn't work much overtime because I couldn't deal with him being gone too much.  I needed him to watch Little M whenever he was home so I could rest.  He let me sleep in every single day he was home in the morning.  And when he had to leave for work at 6?  He's pack a lunch bag with milk for M, and breakfast for both of us, since it was too much for me to get out of bed without eating something first.  Poot Little M didn't have her mom really...I was a shell of my former self.  Thankfully she is so independant and would play alone, but all the other time together we would just watch TV.  It was all I could handle.

My mom and sisters came over to help out all the time too...cleaning my house, doing laundry, and taking turns watching Little M.  As much as I appreciated their help, it was so hard not to do it myself.

I cried every single day I was pregnant.  That is not an exaggeration....every single day.  I just wanted to crawl into a whole and not come out.  I cried going to bed since falling asleep is hard when you're nauseous.  I cried when I woke up in the morning because the sweet relief I hoped for was not there.  I constantly had to cancel plans and disappoint my friends because I was just too sick.  I could only shower every other day because it was too much to do every day.  I would have to lay down for about 45 minutes after every shower before I had the energy to get dressed.  As much as I tried, I could not think about anything other than my sickness.  And it wasn't just nausea...I was achy, my body hurt all the time.  It's like having the stomach flu all day every day for nine months.

So the day after I delivered Baby C, when the doctor came in to check on me, and she said that if I was thinking about another pregnancy in the future to know it would be worse and that my only next option would be the Zofran pump, I knew I was done.  I couldn't do this to myself again, or my family, or my future baby.  What if the Zofran didn't stop the throwing up?  What if I had to be hospitalized the whole time? What if I lost the baby by not gaining enough weight? What if something happened to me? Those were not risks Skip and I were willing to take.  So Baby C is definitely our last baby.

Am I okay with that?  Sometimes no.  I never wanted two kids.  I wanted three or maybe even four.  I'm mad at my body.  Yes, I was super lucky to get pregnant very quickly with both girls, but my body does not gestate them the way it is supposed to.  I so want to be one of those girls with a little sickness in the beginning and then coasts through the rest of pregnancy.  If we are only having two kids, I wanted it to be more of our decision, instead of feeling like it was out of our hands.  And other than Diana?  I haven't found anyone else that has suffered through this and come to the same conclusions as me.  That's why I was so happy to have read her blog last night.  I felt like it validated my feelings.  I'm not being selfish in that I just don't want to be sick again for 9 months.  Hyperemesis is life altering, and I cannot put my family through this again.

Everytime Baby C out grows an outfit or baby toy I shed a few tears, for the babies we will not have in he future {adoption is just not something Skip and I are called to} I know it will get easier as time goes on, but it is still a tough reality to live with that I cannot have all the children I want to.  But then I look over at my two beautiful girls and know that I am blessed more than I deserve.

7 comments:

  1. Mandy, I'm glad you shared this. I haven't been through it myself, but as your sister, who got to see you through a lot of both pregnancies, I can say that what you described here was no exaggeration. If anyone is wondering, I can say that just from being around you, I could see how sick and miserable you were, and particularly how tough it was on you, M and Skip. I get very frustrated with people who try to tell other people what they *should* do or how they *should* feel about things, when they're not a part of that family, or involved in the day to day. I know this was a tough decision for you both to make, but from everything I've seen, I think it was the right one, and you have two beautiful girls to treasure!

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  2. You know, I think you're the only person I've ever known who totally gets it. Who isn't just like, "Oh yeah! Sometimes I feel a little queasy too!" And I think, "Honey, it's not the same. It might suck, but it's different than this."

    Thanks for posting this. It's validating to hear it from someone else. Because I feel like such a failure at life these past few weeks. And it helps to know it's not just me being a wuss about life. <3

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  3. Oh Mandy! I hate that your pregnancies had to be like that! I hate that instead of feeling amazing and basking in pregnancy you had to feel horrible and sick. :( You better make sure you tell the girls how much their Mommy loved them and what she did for them before she'd even met them face to face! I really hate that you felt completely alone in feeling as awful as you did until yesterday. There is almost nothing worse when you are in the middle of something that wears on your or hurts you or makes you feel bad both physically and emotionally than thinking that you are the only one what has ever felt this way and not having the support of someone who really gets it. When I read the post you linked to yesterday and then yours today I instantly thought of a friend I have over here that is going through it. From my understanding her first and second pregnancies were fine. But her third hyperemesis hit and hit hard. They wanted a fourth and she hoped that her first and second pregnancies would come back and instead it's a repeat of her third pregnancy. Here's a link to her blog post on it, I hope knowing that more people go through it helps in some small way. :) http://thetrivialpursuitofhappiness.com/?p=4669&utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+thetrivialpursuitofhappiness+%28The+Trivial+Pursuit+of+Happiness%29&utm_content=Google+Reader

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  4. While my situation is not exactly the same, I can totally relate. We have decided that A is our last baby because my body does not do pregnancy well. With the preterm contractions i had with M, and the preterm labor with A, it is just too risky. Also it took too much of a toll on our family. Those months I was on bedrest were so stressful and I couldn't really be a mom to my daughter. I couldn't do that to two children. I always wanted 3 kids so I mourn the loss of never having another baby. A outgrew her 3 month clothes and went into size 2 diapers this week and I cried.

    ReplyDelete
  5. While my situation is not exactly the same, I can totally relate. We have decided that A is our last baby because my body does not do pregnancy well. With the preterm contractions i had with M, and the preterm labor with A, it is just too risky. Also it took too much of a toll on our family. Those months I was on bedrest were so stressful and I couldn't really be a mom to my daughter. I couldn't do that to two children. I always wanted 3 kids so I mourn the loss of never having another baby. A outgrew her 3 month clothes and went into size 2 diapers this week and I cried.

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  6. You are Soooo not alone, my friend. It is heart breaking, but eventually you will find contentment and solace. I have.
    http://tableforfour-nicole.blogspot.com/2012/01/right-decision-made.html

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  7. I'm so sorry your pregnancies were so rough, sweet friend. I know that decision must be so hard, but I know you are doing what you feel like is right for your lovely little girls and Skip. I respect that.

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